Articles Posted in Marriage

One of the weaknesses of litigated divorce is that it encourages rigid thinking that stands in the way of compromise.

Choosing your battles wisely is an important strategy in all areas of life, including if you are in the process of divorce. Unfortunately, traditional divorce attorneys often neglect to give their clients this advice, encouraging them to fight for everything they say they want, regardless of how impractical, impossible or destructive it may be.  And when the other spouse inevitably takes opposite positions on those same issues, there’s nowhere to go but to the courthouse where both parties will be subjected to the slow-moving and very public litigation process.

Continue reading

People going through divorce often feel angry, confused, and alone.

They turn to their friends and family when they are contemplating divorce, in the middle of a divorce and all throughout the process.  In fact, I often get calls from family members or friends inquiring about the legal services that I can provide to their loved one.

Supportive friends or family members instinctively seek to protect a person they  love by saying negative things about his or her spouse.

Continue reading

A high-net-worth couple going through a divorce can benefit greatly by staying out of court.

Couples with considerable assets (which I will define here as more than $5 million) are often lead to believe that their divorce will be a “no holds barred,” brutal, lengthy process with astronomical legal bills and complicated offers and counter-offers. Because of this belief, many high-net-worth couples assume that mediation or the collaborative law process will not work for them.

They couldn’t be more mistaken. In my experience, the opposite is true; high-net-worth families have more to gain by keeping things civil and private. Unfortunately, many attorneys who practice litigation harbor a killer instinct that grows along with their clients’ assets, and they see a litigated divorce as the only way to satisfy that instinct.

I have compiled a short list of only some of the advantages that high-net-worth couples receive when they keep their divorces out of court.

  • Specialized support: High-net-worth divorces can be complicated, but they don’t have to be high-conflict. The best results come from a team approach. For instance, in the collaborative law process specialized professionals such as divorce coaches and financial neutrals (who come from a Certified Divorce Financial Analysts (CDFA) or CPA background) are part of the team. These professionals are available to help couples who are using the mediation process as well.

Divorce coaches help spouses to decrease the emotional triggers that are prevalent in most divorces and can overwhelm and hijack the negotiation process if not properly tended to. For example, they can help in situations where both spouses have strong voices and may be highly competitive with each other, as well as when there is a large power imbalance between the spouses with one having a very strong voice and the other having almost none.

Financial neutrals have expertise in understanding some of the more complicated assets that high-net-worth couples have on their balance sheets such as private equity investments, stock options, art collections, and privately owned businesses, as well as the more complicated tax implications of divorce.

  • Flexibility and privacy: Keeping your divorce “under the radar” and out of court means that you will have more opportunities to come up with creative solutions; this is something that a judge could never provide. Also, negotiations will be private so that information about your family and your assets will never be disclosed in an open courtroom.
  • Controlling one’s destiny: People with high net worth are accustomed to calling the shots in life. If you and your spouse cannot reach a voluntary agreement, a judge will make decisions for you. If you don’t like people making decisions for you in general, why give that up in a divorce?

Choosing mediation or collaborative law makes more sense financially. If mediation or collaborative law is the right process for you, the cost savings over litigation will be substantial.

If you would like to learn more about the differences between mediation and collaborative law versus litigation, I have recently put together a guide titled Why Court Should Be the Last Resort for Your Divorce. To obtain a copy, or to arrange a consultation, contact me today.

Even when spouses are trying to have a non-adversarial divorce, the emotions that arise can hijack innocent intentions and get in the way of achieving the bigger goals such as the children’s well being, future financial security for one another and children, and an outcome that feels fair. Resentment, regret, anger and sadness about the past are just a few of the difficult emotions that divorcing clients need to deal with while simultaneously trying to make very difficult financial and parenting decisions that will have long term consequences in the future.

If you’re finding it hard to bring your best self to the negotiating table and keep the focus on the future, try a little compassion: for yourself as well as your soon-to-be-ex. When you’re criticizing yourself or others all you can think about is punishment. Will punishment really help you reach your long term goals? On the other hand, when you’re being compassionate, you’re looking at ways to improve and make things better. I’ve come to realize that compassion is perhaps one of the most important ingredients to an amicable divorce, and, sadly, it is often missing.

Nelson Mandela once said “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Continue reading

I recently read an article on The New York Times wellness blog by Tara Parker-Pope called ‘The Decisive Marriage.’ In it, Parker-Pope explores the research gathered through The National Marriage Project and asks how does being decisive – or not – affect a marriage? Though it is not mentioned in the article, I thought some of the points would be especially helpful for people considering a prenuptial agreement. Parker-Pope writes:

Couples should make active decisions about their relationships and major life events. Showing intent in some form — from planning the first date, to living together, to the wedding and beyond — can help improve the quality of a marriage over all.

Prenuptial agreements are, by definition, a written agreement reflecting the intentions of the parties regarding their marital rights and obligations. By looking together toward the future, prenuptial agreements can help the couple to purposefully plan for this important, next stage of their relationship. Questions can be discussed and answered such as:

  • How will property be divided upon death or divorce?
  • Will spousal support be paid? If so, under what conditions?
  • How will household expenses be paid during the marriage?
  • Will having children result in different financial terms?

Continue reading

Working outside of the court system allows divorcing parents of the boomerang generation to consider, discuss and plan for when their adult children return home.

In the New York Times Magazine, there was recently an article about the boomerang generation. Kids are coming out of college and moving back home with their parents, perhaps after unsuccessfully trying to live on their own.

Regardless of whether this is a savvy way for kids to save money without sacrificing a certain lifestyle, or a sign that they are just not able to take care of themselves in this economy, the fact is that these boomerang kids aren’t a temporary phenomenon. They appear to represent a new life stage. The article states:

“One in five people in their 20s and early 30s is currently living with his or her parents.”

So, there is a 20% chance that adult kids might boomerang. And even if they aren’t living at home, there is a great chance that these kids are still partially dependent on their parents for help with rent and other expenses. When the parents of this generation are still living together, they can have a conversation that asks, “What are we willing to do to support our adult children?” But when the parents are divorced, that conversation is a lot harder to have.

A real benefit of resolving a divorce outside of the court system, through collaborative law or mediation, is that these parents can have a facilitated discussion, during their negotiations, about what would happen if their adult child returned to live with one of the parents.

A judge in a litigated divorce will not want to hear anything about this possibility, because courts only require child support to be paid until the age of 21 in New York (and even younger ages in other states). If divorcing parents are relying on a court to tell them what the child support should be, the parent with whom the child moves home is going to be stuck supporting the child on his or her own. There will be no obligation for the other parent to help out financially, and the courts will not be able to change that fact.

Divorcing parents need to have a conversation about, and plan for, the boomerang generation. One option that clients have considered is to set money aside from their distribution of assets and hold those funds in a joint account in the event the child moves back home. If holding funds aside is not an option at the time of the divorce, the divorcing parents can make sure the agreement clearly states that if an adult child asks to move back home, the parents will use mediation, or work with a financial neutral professional, to figure out how to share the costs. The adult child can even be a part of the discussion. Some questions that need to be answered are:

  • What will be the increased costs when the child is living at home?
  • What will be the child’s financial and non-financial responsibilities?
  • How much extra is needed from the other parent and what can they afford to give?

With college loans rising, and companies being slow to make new hires, the boomerang generation is becoming a more permanent subset of the economy. What is now a 20% chance of adult children returning home may increase until the economy is – once again – able to support them. The boomerang generation is the new reality, and it makes sense for divorcing parents to at least consider this issue as part of their divorce negotiations.

Andrea Vacca
570 Lexington Avenue Suite 1600 New York, NY 10022

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have made the news lately with their “conscious uncoupling” – a new term for a mindful divorce that is an excellent example for separating couples to learn from.

Like most people, I had never heard of this term until it was talked about in the media. As it turns out, whether I knew the term for it or not, the philosophy behind conscious uncoupling is exactly why I encourage my clients to use the collaborative law process or mediation when they are ending their marriages. It is also the reason why I use these non-adversarial processes to help couples enter into prenuptial agreements; it’s what I call conscious coupling.

Conscious coupling – as opposed to Paltrow’s and Martin’s uncoupling – is best embodied in a well thought-out and fair prenuptial agreement. Instead of focusing on keeping as much of a party’s income and assets out of the hands of the other spouse in the event of divorce, a prenuptial agreement that is entered into consciously will focus more on:

Each party’s needs and interests The type of life that the couple is planning together The long-term implications of the decisions that they’re making

Conscious coupling requires the parties to be communicating with each other during the negotiation process of their prenuptial agreement. When someone takes an “I’ll just let the lawyers get involved” kind of attitude, there is the potential for the process to become very adversarial, very quickly – and even worse, it might turn into a fight between two lawyers’ egos. That approach really doesn’t make a lot of sense if you’re planning to have a healthy, honest and long-term marriage.

The way that I like to facilitate prenuptial agreements is to either:

Mediate the process, which means the couple meets with me together, and we discuss what is important to each of them. For example, if one person wants the prenup to protect their premarital assets and limit the amount of spousal support they may have to pay in the event of divorce, what will the other person need to feel safe and secure entering into the marriage?

Work collaboratively, which means that the parties sit down with their collaborative attorneys and everyone can talk about their interests and needs, as well as the goals for their marriage. By encouraging honesty and transparency, the parties are encouraged to talk to each other, not at each other – and certainly not through their attorneys.

Whether through mediation or the collaborative process, my clients are entering into the marriage with a lot more clarity about what they each need and what’s important to them.

There is a lot to consider before entering into a prenuptial agreement, but the end result is a much better agreement that will allow each party to feel secure during the marriage. This is because the terms were arrived at much more consciously – and not based on fear and anxiety and the other raw emotions that are so common when discussing money issues at the beginning of a marriage, or the end.


 Andrea Vacca

570 Lexington Avenue Suite 1600 New York, NY 10022

The Hippocratic Oath, which reads in part: I will give no deadly medicine to any one if asked, nor suggest any such counsel, is often summarized by the phrase “Do no harm.” This simple yet powerful credo is an excellent approach for solving problems in many situations, including divorce.

Contrary to the approach of traditional divorce litigation, which often serves as a poison pill, the approach of collaborative lawyers is to do no harm. When our divorcing clients come to us, they are scared, angry, and confused. Our job is not to instigate and play on those fears and anxieties. Our job is to help calm them down by helping them to find their voice and get their needs met in a way that will help them move forward with their lives. It is for this reason that I choose to collaborate, rather than litigate divorce and family law cases.

Not every attorney sees things this way. An example is a conversation I recently had with a woman just starting the divorce process. She told me that although she wanted her divorce to be as amicable as possible, the last attorney she had called immediately told her he would file motions with the court to “scare” her husband. He bragged of his experience using the courts to intimidate people, and he promised her that he would win her as much money as he could. He basically said, “We’ll go after your husband with no holds barred.”

On the other hand, sometimes it is the client who insists on going to court. For example, if betrayal is the reason for the breakup there may be a high level of emotion, which might compel a party to want his or her “day in court” to air the grievances. This knee-jerk reaction to betrayal and anger may be understandable on the surface, but people who expect to have emotional needs met in a courtroom are always disappointed.

I encourage my clients to try another way.

The collaborative law process is a less harmful alternative to litigated divorce. It starts with a contract signed by both the attorneys and the clients affirming that:

  • The attorneys and clients will not act in an adversarial way toward each other.
  • There will be no use of threats of any kind.
  • If there are children, their best interests will be the priority.
  • The clients are encouraged to work with other related professionals, such as mental health and financial professionals.
  • If an agreement cannot be reached in the collaborative process, the clients will retain other attorneys to litigate the case for them.

By following these basic tenets, we as collaborative attorneys are promising to do no harm and honoring the trust that our clients are placing in us.

But it is up to the clients to explore all of their options and choose the right lawyer for their needs. Clients need to understand that if they immediately choose to litigate and start their divorce within the court system, they will likely miss the opportunity to come to a peaceful, thoughtful and voluntary settlement. Working with a collaborative team helps spouses reach an agreement that meets as many of their their long- and short-term needs as possible – as opposed to the scorched earth and poisonous, winner-takes-all model of litigation.

Andrea Vacca
570 Lexington Avenue Suite 1600 New York, NY 10022

It is possible to make the divorce process more time- and cost-effective?

When potential clients consult with me in connection with their divorce, one of the first questions they ask is, “How much do you expect this to cost?” and one of the second questions is, “How long do you expect this to take?” Time and money are, understandably, major concerns of anyone entering the divorce process, so I know that these clients want to hear answers that reflect a best case scenario. I can never predict the exact end date or the costs involved, but I can tell these clients that the more of these tips they follow, the more likely their divorce process will run smoother and be more cost-efficient:

1. Make sure your spouse knows that you want to end the marriage. It’s understood that asking a spouse for a divorce can be difficult, emotional and frightening, but try to find a way to broach the subject before you retain an attorney. Perhaps you can engage a therapist, marriage counselor or trusted friend to help you have this conversation. One of the least productive ways to start the conversation is to have an attorney send a letter to your spouse announcing your intention to divorce him or her. Remember, your spouse will have to first get over the emotional shock before any productive discussions can take place.

2. Resolve some of the less emotional topics on your own.
Before you meet with your lawyer, find a way to have a discussion with your spouse to determine what issues may be easier to resolve. Perhaps you can agree about how to divide certain assets. Or maybe you’ve already agreed on a parenting schedule. Any issues that you can agree on ahead of time, even if just in theory, will help you create a framework for the lawyers to work with and speed up the negotiation process.

3. Aim to be amicable. Finding solutions to unresolved issues will go a lot faster if you both intend to work fairly together to reach a compromise. Hire amicable-minded attorneys who are either collaboratively-trained or very settlement-oriented. These attorneys will encourage you to focus on your interests as opposed to your positions and they will help you stay out of court because they are used to settling their cases without relying on the involvement of judges.

4. Utilize other specialized professionals. If agreeing on financial aspects is the largest hurdle, hire a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst to help sort out the details. If emotional or communication issues are causing roadblocks, consider a divorce coach. Relying on your attorney for emotional support or for technical financial assistance can be unproductive and can lengthen the time before settlement is reached. You also get more for your money – these specialized professionals will charge much lower hourly rates than your lawyer.

5. Meet regularly. To prevent the process from stopping, starting, or even regressing, be as prepared and organized as possible and be willing to meet regularly so the settlement process can move forward in a linear fashion.

6. Cooperate, collaborate, compromise. Holding firm to your position and drawing a line in the sand will take more time and therefore cost more money. Be honest, ready to negotiate, and willing to give in on some issues.

The legal, financial and emotional complexities of your divorce will undoubtedly influence how long the issues take to resolve, but by following these tips you can be assured that the process will move forward as cost-effectively as possible.


Andrea Vacca
570 Lexington Avenue Suite 1600 New York, NY 10022

On June 26, 2013, the United States Supreme Court declared parts of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional. The decision, a huge civil rights victory for the gay community, will require federal law to recognize same-sex marriages the same way they recognize heterosexual marriages. This will grant same-sex spouses (at least in states that recognize same-sex marriage, such as New York) countless benefits that had previously been denied them under the statute. Now, same sex couples will be able to file joint income tax returns, enjoy spousal and survival status under Social Security, inheritance and estate laws, and be entitled to COBRA and other health insurance benefits. Effects on immigration have been among the most dramatic and immediate, as American citizens can now apply for permanent resident visas, or green cards, for their foreign-born same-sex spouses. Couples began receiving notification of approval for green cards as early as June 28.

As matrimonial attorneys, we are excited about this decision, not only because of the impact it will have on the same-sex couples that are married or contemplating getting married in New York, but also because of the ways in which it will affect the practice of matrimonial law. Previously, any agreement between same-sex couples, whether prenuptial or separation, required drafting around the federal benefits to which married heterosexual couples are automatically entitled with no way to compensate for the omission. Granting same-sex spouses the same federal rights as their heterosexual counterparts allows not just for more equality but also more uniformity under the law.

We applaud the Supreme Court for recognizing this and look forward to further advancements in same-sex rights.

Andrea Vacca
570 Lexington Avenue Suite 1600 New York, NY 10022