Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have made the news lately with their "conscious uncoupling" - a new term for a mindful divorce that is an excellent example for separating couples to learn from.
Like most people, I had never heard of this term until it was talked about in the media. As it turns out, whether I knew the term for it or not, the philosophy behind conscious uncoupling is exactly why I encourage my clients to use the collaborative law process or mediation when they are ending their marriages. It is also the reason why I use these non-adversarial processes to help couples enter into prenuptial agreements; it's what I call conscious coupling.
Conscious coupling - as opposed to Paltrow's and Martin's uncoupling - is best embodied in a well thought-out and fair prenuptial agreement. Instead of focusing on keeping as much of a party's income and assets out of the hands of the other spouse in the event of divorce, a prenuptial agreement that is entered into consciously will focus more on:
- Each party's needs and interests
- The type of life that the couple is planning together
- The long-term implications of the decisions that they're making
Conscious coupling requires the parties to be communicating with each other during the negotiation process of their prenuptial agreement. When someone takes an "I'll just let the lawyers get involved" kind of attitude, there is the potential for the process to become very adversarial, very quickly - and even worse, it might turn into a fight between two lawyers' egos. That approach really doesn't make a lot of sense if you're planning to have a healthy, honest and long-term marriage.
The way that I like to facilitate prenuptial agreements is to either:
- Mediate the process, which means the couple meets with me together, and we discuss what is important to each of them. For example, if one person wants the prenup to protect their premarital assets and limit the amount of spousal support they may have to pay in the event of divorce, what will the other person need to feel safe and secure entering into the marriage?
- Work collaboratively, which means that the parties sit down with their collaborative attorneys and everyone can talk about their interests and needs, as well as the goals for their marriage. By encouraging honesty and transparency, the parties are encouraged to talk to each other, not at each other - and certainly not through their attorneys.
Whether through mediation or the collaborative process, my clients are entering into the marriage with a lot more clarity about what they each need and what's important to them.
There is a lot to consider before entering into a prenuptial agreement, but the end result is a much better agreement that will allow each party to feel secure during the marriage. This is because the terms were arrived at much more consciously - and not based on fear and anxiety and the other raw emotions that are so common when discussing money issues at the beginning of a marriage, or the end.
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