One of the reasons I am passionate about collaborative law is because I am able to learn so much from it. Recently my desire to learn led me to discover a new way of looking at the world through the lens of Positive Psychology. Positive Psychology is the scientific study of well-being, happiness and what helps people to thrive as opposed to just survive. I decided to delve deeper into the subject and I emerged from my studies with a Certificate in Positive Psychology. For this post, I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned along the way and how it is applicable to my clients who are divorcing.
1) The importance of feeling all emotions
Positive psychology is not about positive thinking, it’s about realizing that experiencing difficult emotions is a necessary step to realizing the more positive emotions in life. In other words life can be difficult at times, especially when you are going through a divorce; but don’t get down on yourself if you feel down. Give yourself permission to feel hurt, angry or fearful. Only then will you truly be able to feel the joy, gratitude and peacefulness that exist in other parts of your life and in your other relationships.
2) Strive for post-traumatic growth
Most people have heard about post-traumatic stress, but there is also such a thing as post-traumatic growth. Like Nietzsche said:
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
He was absolutely right. One of the books that has had a great impact on me is called What Doesn’t Kill Us: The New Psychology of Post-Traumatic Growth by Stephen Joseph. In it, he uses a great example involving a vase: When a marriage ends, people feel their life has been shattered, almost like a beautiful vase that fell to the floor and shattered into dozens of different pieces.
What do you do? Do you try to put that vase back together to make it look like it did before, knowing that it never will? Do you want that vase so badly that you don’t care what it looks like? Or do you say, “I’m going to make a new piece of art from these beautiful pieces.”
In other words, you will see that the beautiful pieces of your life that remain, such as your kids, your friends or your work, can be put together to create a fulfilling and happy life. The end of your marriage (although traumatic) does not have to ruin every other aspect of your life.
3) Look at your divorce as a peak experience
When I say “peak experience” I don’t mean one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to you, but an experience that takes you to a new place where you can see a new landscape. Any kind of trauma can be a peak experience.
For example, when a person has a near-death experience, life never looks the same – usually for the better. If you were to look back on your divorce, what strengths did you call upon that you didn’t know you had or just hadn’t used in years? More importantly, when you look forward, what places do you see yourself going from here?
4) Have a growth mindset
If you have a growth mindset during your divorce, you will regularly be asking yourself, “What will make me more empowered?”
Take it one step at a time. The first step is believing in yourself, and your ability to get through difficult situations and learn from them. You’ll be able to better grow through those challenges, but you have to believe in yourself.
For instance, you might not have been a financially aware partner. Your spouse might have taken care of the finances, and it can be really overwhelming and scary to people to step into that role – but once you do it yields incredible freedom and you realize you’re actually good at it. Or maybe you even like it.
5) Learn to be resilient
Are you viewing yourself as a survivor or a thriver? Do you want things to be better and be different? Achieving those goals often comes down to how you talk to yourself. If you say, “I want to be better on the other side of this; I want to learn and grow” then you’re going to be better able to create that reality for yourself.
I hope this post has given you an idea of how the principles of positive psychology can help you or someone you know grow from their divorce. There are many resources available that can help you learn more about it. For more reading recommendations from me, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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