Mindfulness as a Tool for a Less Adversarial Divorce

Divorce can be an overwhelming experience. For most of us the days are full enough, yet divorcing couples are confronted with finding the time to fit in things they would not normally need to do, like meeting with attorneys and working on post-divorce budgets.

I recently discovered an author named Jon Kabat-Zinn whose book Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life can be useful to people going through a divorce – or any stressful event.

Mindfulness is being aware of where you are in the present moment and being present in the moment.

A direct route to the state of mindfulness is through the practice of meditation.

  • Meditation is the practice of quieting the mind.
  • It does not have to be religious in any way.
  • Meditation can be done in any physical position.
  • People can benefit from as little as 3 minutes of guided meditation.

Cool Minds Negotiate Better

Achieving mindfulness in a collaborative divorce or mediation setting can make the difference between an impasse and a constructive compromise. For instance, if you find your heart skipping a beat and your throat tightening while you are talking about a particular issue, these changes can be taken as indicators of anxiety which, for you, may mean you will say or do something out of anger – or perhaps it means you will withdraw to such an extent that nothing can be resolved. Both of these extreme reactions are understandable under stress, but neither of them are helpful when your goal is to come to a fair and equitable agreement.

Becoming More Focused

One of the benefits of quieting the mind is that options become clearer. The analogy of muddy water is often used – if left alone, the mud will eventually settle to the bottom and the water will become clear. In a divorce, you’re being asked to make many decisions about many issues you never thought you would be thinking about. The choices and options can seem overwhelming.

  • Should you mediate or collaborate? Or is litigation the best option?
  • What parenting plan is best for your children? Should they reside with one parent primarily or with each parent equally?
  • Should you sell the home you’ve been living in or should one spouse buy the other out of his or her share?
  • What amount of spousal support is needed? How long will it be paid?

Mindfulness techniques will not help you solve every problem in your divorce. The point is that these techniques will make it easier to handle difficult and uncomfortable situations, help you see the choices more clearly, and facilitate faster recovery.

Not only will you feel less stressed as a result of easier negotiations, it will also save you time and money.

Other books by Jon Kabat-Zinn include:

  • Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of the Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness___________
  • Mindfulness Meditation for Everyday Life. Piatkus, 2001. ISBN 0-7499-1422-X.
  • Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness. Hyperion, 2006. ISBN 0-7868-8654-4.
  • The mindful way through depression: freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness, by J. Mark G. Williams, John D. Teasdale, Zindel V. Segal, Jon Kabat-Zinn. Guilford Press, 2007. ISBN 1593851286.
  • Arriving at Your Own Door. Piatkus Books, 2008. ISBN 0-7499-2861-1.
  • Letting Everything Become Your Teacher: 100 Lessons in Mindfulness. Dell Publishing Company, 2009. ISBN 0-385-34323-X.

Bibliography from Wikipedia

Andrea Vacca
570 Lexington Avenue Suite 1600 New York, NY 10022 avacca@vaccalaw.com