I was reading an article at psychologytoday.com that highlighted a story that made me think about how important a person’s response to difficult life changes, such as the end of a marriage, will drive the experience.
Reading the article I learned that while India was under British rule, a posh golf course was constructed in Kolkata (Calcutta). The course was home to monkeys, who developed a habit of picking up balls in play and throwing them. After years of trying to solve the problem by expelling the monkeys, the golf course resigned itself to the reality of the situation.
So it changed the course rules: Where the monkey throws or drops the ball is the place from which it must be played. That is a great metaphor for divorce.
Whether it was your choice to end the marriage or not, divorce is an extremely difficult event to deal with. But what would it be like to play the ball where it’s been thrown; even if it’s in the sand trap? The more likely you are to respond with calmness and acceptance, the more likely you are to open yourself up to other options and possibilities; and the more likely you are to move forward in a way that will allow you to find happiness in the future.
I saw a good example of this type of acceptance in a client recently. She believed that she and her husband had reached an agreement in mediation, but her husband began to have second thoughts about the terms and proposed some major changes to the proposed agreement. My client was angry and repeatedly tried to convince her husband that rather than go back on his word he should agree to the terms they had originally discussed. Meetings were held, discussions were had, emails were exchanged, but her husband was insistent that those original terms no longer worked for him. My client eventually realized that she had to accept where her husband was NOW and not try to convince him otherwise. Once she accepted this fact, we were able to create a new agreement that met both of their needs in a very creative way and allowed them to each feel secure about their futures. When my client decided to stop resisting the inevitable and to play the ball from the difficult spot where it landed, she found peace and happiness in her decision.
My client was eventually able to respond to what seemed to be an insurmountable problem with acceptance and openness and that made all the difference. Whether you are dealing with a divorce that seems to be messing up your life, or dealing with monkeys that are messing up your golf game, see if you can find a place within you that will allow you to accept rather than resist what is happening. You may be surprised at the options that open up for you.
Vacca Family Law Group
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